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Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash
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An Open Letter to Clueless Recruiters, Everywhere:
I suppose I should thank you for contacting me regarding the opportunity you mention in your latest {phone call | email | SMS text}
One presumes that you might at least have glanced at the most recent position I have held (hint: Since 2001).
Now, does it seem likely that this opportunity/role that you are contacting me about is a good fit with the arc of my career path to date?
Your first clue might be if it is for a more junior role that I last held more than 20 years ago....or your offered pay rate is more than 50% below the average rates available for someone with my experience level.
Note, if your offered rate is below what I've been making for the last 20 years - then you might begin to get an inkling of how well your pitch is going...
One could presuppose that you are just a cog in a very large, very inefficient, soul-less machine - but that would be a slap in the face to your humanity (not to mention, an insult to the machine), wouldn't it?
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Surely you are a professional, who cares about the quality - and not just the quantity - of work that you do?
I choose to believe that about you my friend. I truly do. Or, at least, I choose to believe that you have the ability to achieve that level of success. You do want to try, don't you? But then again, my mom always thought I was an optimist.
Are you proud of the work you do? Does it give you pleasure? Do you delight in actually helping people? Or just in filling my inbox with useless spam? It is hard to tell, you know.
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Photo by Antoine GIRET on Unsplash
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I imagine that you must be quite embarrassed by the work that you do. Aren't you?
Do you hide in the corner at cocktail parties, ashamed to tell people what you do? Worse than telling someone you are an Amway distributor, am I right?
I cannot imagine the indignity you must feel of being a contributor to the useless spam that fills my inbox each day...you do feel it, don't you?
Weep for my inbox, my friend.
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I wonder about the health of your soul my friend - when you must drudge through every day - sending out hundreds or thousands of useless, soul-sucking, emails like what you just sent me.
Spamming the world must be very demoralizing, isn't it? I can't imagine the pay is good. Have you ever thought of doing something else? You certainly seem to have a sense of humor, given the pay rate you mentioned in your email. Perhaps being a clown in a circus would suit your talents more appropriately? Then again, there is always that Amway option for your next career move, right?
Or, you could be a clown that sells Amway - but that would be an oxymoron, wouldn't it.
Rise up my friend - and quit your job. Rise up and be a leader among the ranks of your next profession (that hopefully doesn't involve spam and recruiting). Renounce the corporation that chains and binds you to your dull meaningless task.
You are a force of creativity - go out and find a job that will allow you to demonstrate that, yes, you are a person of Character and Integrity.
Perhaps you should consider a career as a Barista with Starbucks?
Or, at the very least, any job that won't involve you shoveling useless spam into my inbox.
I will certainly cheer you on.
Oh, by the way, surely you looked at my resume - or LinkedIn profile, before contacting me, right?
